


Cycle of Abuse

by carrionkid



Category: Shameless (US)
Genre: Canon Compliant, Canon-Typical Violence, Child Abuse, Closeted Character, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-03
Updated: 2016-06-03
Packaged: 2018-07-11 22:57:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,012
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7074046
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/carrionkid/pseuds/carrionkid
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is really self indulgent Milkovich angst because I love abuse survivor characters wayyyy too much bc of my abusive father. It's about Mickey's childhood and figuring out that he's gay.<br/>--<br/>He thinks he’s 10 the first time it happens. Well, the first time he remembers it happening; his father punches him square in the jaw and knocks out a few baby teeth. Shit, it’d probably been going on for all 10 years of his life, but everything before that is all fuzzy and fucked up and he can’t really tell if it’s just some goddamn fever dream or if it really happened.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Cycle of Abuse

He thinks he’s 10 the first time it happens. Well, the first time he remembers it happening; his father punches him square in the jaw and knocks out a few baby teeth. Shit, it’d probably been going on for all 10 years of his life, but everything before that is all fuzzy and fucked up and he can’t really tell if it’s just some goddamn fever dream or if it really happened. Mandy tries to reassure him; repeating over and over that ‘he’s doing this because he loves us’ like she was trying to make herself believe it too. It was fucking stupid of her, but hey, we’ve all gotta cope somehow. Mandy coped by lying to herself and Mickey coped by beating the fuck out of anyone he could. 

 

If that’s what love is, then we’re all just fucked. The closest thing to a hug he’s ever gotten was his dad’s hands around his arm, his throat, too tight, seeing stars as he just laughed and laughed; it was sitting on the tub with Mandy, her smearing concealer over bruises while they both downed tequila. They used to go and sit on the roof and talk about ways to kill him. 

 

‘ _ We could shoot him.’ ‘Nah, too obvious.’ ‘Shut up!  They’d just think it’s a drug deal gone wrong.’ ‘Yeah, and get child services knockin’ at our door, ya idiot.’ ‘Foster care might not be that bad.’ ‘Fuckin’ hell Mandy, do you really think that shit’d work out?’ ‘Then what’s your idea, I’d like to see you do better.’ ‘Okay, well poison is the way to go. Get’im shitfaced and slip something in his drink, then when he’s good’n’dead, we can chop ‘im and get some acid or some shit, and just dissolve the old bastard.’ ‘Whattabout his friends?’ ‘We skip town before they figure he ain’t out on a bender or some shit.’ ‘Could work.’ ‘Trust me, I’mma fuckin’ genius.’ _

 

But all those plans were just coping mechanisms; you kept your head down and tried not to fucking die. Neither of them had the guts to actually kill the man, their other brothers followed him around like dogs and would probably turn on the two of them at his command. So, Mickey started taking the blows, even fought back a bit, just enough to convince his dad that he wasn’t a pussy, but not too much that he’d get knocked out or break something. Mandy threw herself at anyone who’d take her and threw all her chips in, betting that he’d be better than her father. 

 

‘ _ I think he’s the one.’ ‘Bullshit!’ ‘He’s gonna go to college, and get a job, and he’s gonna take me with him.’ ‘You really think he’s gonna do that?’ ‘He loves me!’ ‘Yeah, just like the other ones did.’ ‘Shut the fuck up Mickey, he’s gotta be the one.’  _

 

He’s already used to tiptoeing around like he’s in a fucking minefield by the time he hits puberty _.  _ Something’s fucked up, it doesn’t register what it is at first. He starts fucking around with any girl who’ll let him. His father claps him on the back and cackles like a maniac and it takes every muscle in his body to not flinch at the blow. You never flinch, it’s like a drop of blood hitting shark filled waters. His father’s always talking about Mickey’s  _ conquests,  _ and how  _ he’s such a looker, just like his father _ , and how  _ any whore would be lucky to be fucked by him _ . 

 

Something starts eating him up inside, something like a tumor. He can feel his heart rotting from the inside out and the inertia of the blows builds up inside of him until it transfers to another one. Cycle of abuse or some shit. Everyone’s a proxy for his father, Mickey loves to go for the face, pound it into a pulp until he can’t tell that it’s not his father. Shit gets real fucked up when he gets a goddamn boner during kicking the shit out of some dude. He tells himself it’s nothing, he just got worked up, but a lightbulb goes off in his fucking head. But, the name of the game is survival so he chokes it all down and shuts the fuck up. 

 

His father always said that Milkovichs are like cockroaches; nothing kills them, not even the end of the fucking world. If he knew half the shit that Mickey thought about, he’d shoot him on sight. Mandy’d probably get killed in the crossfire; she’s too selfless to be a Milkovich, she’d try to help him. Still, all of that fear doesn’t stop him when he sees that fucking Gallagher kid, god, he’d love to jump his bones. It gets kind of obsessive, thinking about giving hickies to that pale skin. Usually, he’d just go punch something until his knuckles hurt more than anything else in his body. Ian-fucking-Gallagher starts hanging around with Mandy, after she called off her hit on him. 

 

It was easier to keep his shit together when Ian was miles away, but now he’s always with Mandy; he walks out of his room and bang! They’re there on the couch. He walks down the hall at school and she’s playing tonsil hockey with him. Mickey doesn’t know if it’s a blessing or a curse that they haven’t fucked yet. It just builds and builds until Mickey feels like he’s gonna fall apart. It finally comes to a head, a goddamn supernova, when Ian comes looking for the gun. His kneejerk reaction is to beat the shit out of Ian, take out his feelings on him with blows, and it starts out like that, until he’s straddling Ian on his bed, staring down at those fucking freckles. 

 

Somehow, he’s always known that his father was going to kill him. It was just a matter of time. Sure, fucking Ian Gallagher would cut off a good 30 years of his life if his father ever found out; it might be worth it, it might not be. But it sure-as-shit felt good.


End file.
